When assertiveness is not a person’s natural way, there can be a process in learning how to be assertive. Be kind to yourself and with your child and keep trying. It is worth the end result. Keep in mind, you cannot be assertive for another person; however, you can be a model for them. As you know, your children are always watching! My hope is also to give you some guidance in teaching them the art of assertiveness. Practice, model and teach.
What does it mean to be assertive?
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself in words and actions that are congruent with how you feel without imposing.
- clear communication without abruptness, however firm in words
- good eye contact
- speak with confidence
- be your own advocate
Assertive words are thought out. If needed, take a few breathes prior to re-engaging in the conversation so to say with conviction and not too far as aggression.
Why seek assertiveness?
It is a breathe of fresh air to stand up for yourself in a way that does not impose on others. Saying things that you want to communicate while feeling clear-headed and grounded without anger. You will fidget less and feel more empowered if you are not angry.
Assertiveness also encourages healthy relationships. You will have less resentment because you will say no when you feel it is necessary. You will be showing your child how to stand up to bullies and advocate for themselves. You are saying that what you think matters. Your child will learn that they matter to.
How do we be more assertive?
When becoming more assertive, people that have a tendency towards passiveness then have a tendency to be a little more aggressive than they intended. That’s okay. The beautiful thing about communicating is that you can say something like “That came out more harshly than I intended. What I meant to say was…” Make “I” statements keeping the focus on yourself.
If you have a passive tendency, you may feel bad for asking what you want/need. That possible awkwardness and reluctance will eventually pass as you find it feels good to stand up for yourself. Say “no” when you truly do not want to do something even if you feel like you “should.” Remember if you have a hard time doing it for yourself, then model for your child. Make eye contact when you speak to people.
Try practicing with some smaller things.
Example. Your partner asks where you want to go for dinner and instead of saying “anywhere,” name a few places. Or, name the part of town that you would like to be in. Say what you would prefer allowing choices as well if the situation calls for it.
Example. You have plans to hike with a friend. The friend suggests a hike you are not comfortable doing. State the issue then make a suggestion. “That is a bit longer than I was hoping for.” “I was thinking closer to a hike like….”
Example. Let’s say you are in a car and you are too warm. Instead of sitting uncomfortably and possibly waiting for another person to change your environment, ask if the a/c may be turned up or a window put down some.
When you are uncomfortable, change your environment seeing your needs equal to others. It is okay to speak up for yourself when you are uncomfortable. Every time you assert yourself your child will be learning good habits.
When you make a decision and feel grounded and clear-headed, you have made the right decision. When something about a moment or day feels off, that is a time to be assertive. It is never too late to speak up. Not everyone around you will like your change and may try to keep you in your old role. Stick to it and hopefully they will come around. Practice assertiveness even when your children are not around to make it a way of life. Being assertive is the best way to teach assertiveness to your children.
Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Summer 2017